Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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