Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
