For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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