Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Randomize
