I've blown a few things in my day
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
