On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
