I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
