I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
