I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
