Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
