I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize