my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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