Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize