he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
where are you?
Hypothermia
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
