I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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