how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i think i have herpe
just one?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize