too bad you live with your parents still
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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