so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
