My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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