It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize