I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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