I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There are leaves in my underwear?
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