Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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