I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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