I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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