Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
