Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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