I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
