Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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