just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize