the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
