My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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