So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
