I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
