My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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