I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Reggie can tackle my bush.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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