grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
