From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
