There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
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