I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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