Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
