i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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