I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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