the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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