I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
