Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
