My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
