every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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