I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
