i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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