Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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