you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
