Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I want to be your penis for a week.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
