Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
