After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
